These are the things I don’t really want to post here but since this is also a part of my pseudo-Korean life, I shall not be scared to tell how I’m going through recently.
For people who personally know me, they don’t really care about my difficulties in life because I’m naturally a ‘whiny’ person, but I just whine, not complain. Recently, I’m starting to complain, A LOT, and since my friends won’t take it seriously, they think I’m just making ‘arte arte’ (being highly vain, perfectionist, whiny, drama king, etc). It’s not good because I myself don’t like complaining, because complaining means to me like I should deserve better or I should not experience some things, but then thinking deeply about it, it’s too impossible, too selfish and too unfair if I complain.
But thinking about it then again, I should complain if I don’t get something I know I’m supposed to get. Figuratively, I should get a cup from Starbucks without considering the less fortunate people because unlike them, I studied and work hard so my capacity shifted from simple homemade instant coffee to something that I can buy from a coffee shop. It’s not like I’m gonna give money to them instead of giving myself the things I want. If I’m complaining because I’m getting little pay from my work without thinking about the less fortunate people, it’s because unlike them, they settled begging for money, while I, on the other hand, chose the path to success. Not that I’m selfish or a b*tch, but in reality, why would people buy Louis Vuitton, and why would others just buy from a thrift store? It’s simply because the former people can, and they worked hard for it while the latter stayed and settled for something less.
Why should I work hard if I don’t get something from it?
Recently, I’ve been more whiny and more complaining, some out of consequences, some out of choice, and a lot because ‘sh*t happens’.
Currently, I’m on my first job as a graphic artist, and I don’t get paid so well. It’s my choice though, because I had to cut short my working hours to make way for commute to my school. My work ends at 6 PM and when I first asked for permission, I said I’ll leave at 5 PM every school day, but then I sometimes leave at 4, or 4:30 PM, or whenever I want to go, because I seriously don’t like the office atmosphere anymore, and I’d rather study Korean for eight long hours rather than work at my current. Besides, if I leave at exact 5 PM, traffic would be absolute traffic and I would just be late, which…
Look at this, if I stay for 2 more hours at the office, where most of the times, I work quickly and finish every project by 3 PM, I could have done something more productive and more worthwhile elsewhere. If I leave at exact 5, I’m just gonna be late and even for just minutes, I can miss a lot of lessons already, lessons that are not in the book but more of Korean fragments, experiences, important stuff from my 선생님. If I’m late, then leaving work early would be just something of a waste. There are points, no? Some may perceive me as lazy-assed kid, some may perceive me as just dead-head-over-heels-in-love with Korean, but since I’m a person who stick strong to my principles, I don’t really care.
Just yesterday, we encountered the word ‘슬럼프’, just one of the numerous Konglish words, where people experience frustration, giving up tendencies, and just… ‘slump’.
She used the word though a situation which was directly meaningful and currently relevant to me. She said it was something like when you entered a company, at first you would be like, ‘네, 하겠습니다!’, ‘저요! 할 수 있습니다!’, and then there will come a time when you just want to leave, without reasons, something similar to the thought of falling out of love.
Right now, I just want to leave the company, which is super risky. Why? (1) I don’t want my resume to have a broken timeline, if I want to apply in another company, I should still have my work and leave when I’m sure that I passed the other. (2) I have no other source of money. I don’t want to burden my parents anymore, since I have all my pay for myself (for now), it’s unfair for me to get back and get help from them, except of course when necessary. This complicated situation of me leaving the office is just something I’m thinking about, not a matter of life and death. (3) How can I be able to study Korean and lunch/dinner-study with my friends. They’ll be ‘한국 식당에 가자!’, and I would just reason out and be like ‘너무 바빠서 가지 못해~’, which is super pitiful for myself.
I have this crazy idea of working as a Starbucks barista. Here, when I talk about it with my friends, they think my idea is super ‘crazy’ since people here tend to be judgmental sometimes. Well I understand them, because I graduated a bachelor’s but then why would I spend time making drinks and getting scolded for mistakes, mopping floors and wiping tables. It’s not that I want to be a barista for a living. I am certain that my pay won’t be twice as good, but I’m in this moment when I just want to do something that I can enjoy, not something I can get fortune from. It’s like a small dream, like when there would just be an opportunity for me to step inside the counter, I could actually prepare my favorite drink for myself, without guidance and instructions. It’s something that I want to do, and would want to do in the future. If in the future I get lucky and get the opportunity to open my own cafe, it would be a super plus.
그리고, if I plan to work in Korea after about two years, if I can’t pass as an English instructor, or can’t find a job as a graphic artist, it would be okay for me to experience being a coffee shop barista as 아르바이트.
Simply put, my life is on a slump right now. I want a week, no, a month of full rest where I can just re-watch all my favorite music videos and variety shows. Re-watch Beyoncé concerts, re-read Harry Potter and start with ‘A Game of Thrones’ without distractions, self-study Korean fully without other things to think about, run or jog on mornings… but then again. Life goes on, and giving up is just not an option.
I hope everything goes well for me, and I hope I can successfully jump through this hurdle in my life, because I just need God, friends, and all the strong parts of myself right now.